Bird.

black feathers

swooshing across the ground

like midnight ink

flying through the town

low across the building rooftops

rising under the moon

shadows cast upon the

cobblestone roads

take me with you

to that place you go

each night in your dreams

for i

like you

am stuck within low bearing walls

too weak to jump

too small to fly high enough

together

we can fly high enough

to get out of this place

because there is a better life

for me

and you.

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3 thoughts on “Bird.

  1. A.
    “for i,
    like you,
    am stuck”
    B. Why are you stuck? this line seems to break from the theme of the poem.
    C. I love the no capitalization thing. Add commas though. It’s really hard to read this smoothly without commas.
    D. once again a great poem. You are really killing these lately.
    E. I think you should add the word “together” after “a better life for me and you” This would add some repetition and have a really cute, tender, squishy, soft, and bubbly-warm effect on the reader

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  2. “Ground” and “town” are near-rhymes, and that is a bit distracting. They both are also weak word choices, and I know there are more vivid options you could replace them with (also “flying”). I don’t understand “for i//like you//am stuck within low bearing walls” because I thought the other was flying, which means they are not stuck. It’s confusing. Clarify somehow. “Across” is repeated very close, and without apparent intent. I’m fairly certain “low bearing walls” aren’t that high (key word: low), and it should be hyphenated if you keep it but I think you should replace it with a phrase that means a high wall. I thought the decision to not use punctuation or capitalization was interesting, and it fits the poem well, giving it a looser, dreamlike feel that you seem to be going for.

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  3. A. “the ground” is kind of boring, maybe change it to lawn or grass or something 🙂
    B. you use ‘across’ twice sort of close together, maybe just change one of them to change up the sound
    C. change moon to sun? i can just see a better shadow made from the bright sun and the bird flying but i don’t know what you vision is
    D. you talk about the bird flying through town and then it’s stuck like you, so pick either it flies or it doesn’t, i was confused
    E. I like the dreams reference

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