Destroyer of Moons (Final Draft?)

The deep sorrows of

the universe were melted

by its many moons.


The gentle, pale light

merging woes into

stars, turning the earth.


But the rise of suns

gave way to infinitely

more sorrows within.


And thus mankind is

born into reality

while Nature loses hope.


Mother is sickened.

Weaker and weaker she grows,

as man consumes her


in his life-long quest

for glory and riches:

he destroys all things.


Fire born from water.

He betrays Mother Nature

with his ignorance.


He burns the rivers,

and kills all the water

dwelling creatures.


Animals of the land

are driven from their homes,

in a search of


unburnt water,

that remains untouched by man’s

abundant foolishness.


But Mother turns away

from her true children, the

helpless creature of earth.


She does not help them,

for she has faith in mankind,

that he will douse


His own flame,

and reunite with his creator,

His Mother Nature.


Mankind takes advantage

of his loving Mother,

And continues to burn the rivers.


The creatures of earth

flee from their homes,

their safe havens.


When they suffer,

their Mother suffers more

as man destroys all things.


He will smite her,

and all of her children:

Everything she once held dear.


Mother knows she must

annihilate her sons and daughters

if the universe


is to endure time.

Man heeds no warning and still

he births fire from water.


In an attempt to

quench the flames, Mother descends

to meet her abomination.


Below, mankind lives

On still unaware of his pending

destruction.


Winds whirl and wisp away

the innocent and the guilty.

The earth quakes under


his unburdened feet.

Cracks engulf the foolish without

remorse or compassion.


Mother punishes her children

for their painful betrayal.

No man shall live.


Through the night,

Mother tosses and turns,

sleepless in nightmares.


She is enraged by

the sins of her new creations,

and executes every soul.


No man shall live

through to see the end

of night or rise of suns.


The moons will prevail.

Mother ensures all sorrows

will melt along with


Man and his desolation.

The creatures hide from Mother,

they fear her wrath.


They know what it is

their beloved Mother can do

to her disobedient children.


As dawn arrives the

scene is illuminated.

Mother destroyed her


children and their

Wickedness. She sends them

to a dark hole where


Fire plagues the guilty,

as it had plagued their Mother.

Eternity will be


engulfed by the flames

of the foolish and the selfish.

Mother Nature reigns supreme.

 

Advertisements

3 thoughts on “Destroyer of Moons (Final Draft?)

  1. A. fire/water burning thingy mentioned a lot, I just think you make your point the first couple times you mention it
    B. add in where the break is between the background story and what is happening now
    C. if man knows the power Mother has, why wouldn’t they stop killing her?
    D. dude, you killed this though, very thought out and vivid. the imagery is so strong.

    Like

  2. Okay so this is so so so so so so so so good.

    But, you repeat the line “mother destroys her children” three times and “No man shall live” also three times. If this is intentional, add it in some more so it doesn’t seem accidental.

    It seems long and drawn out in the end. The beginning is gold but the ending could be consolidated. I will point more thing out on paper.

    FINALLY!!! An epic conclusion to an epic conquest to find the most epic poem ever! Great job!!

    Like

  3. I can’t remember if the line was there before, but “merging woes into//stars, turning the earth” is just a touch disconnected. I like the imagery, but maybe there is a better verb to connect them? I don’t know. When you describe how “man consumes her,” would it be possible to add something (man consumes her…what?). It’s not needed, just a thought. With “he burns the rivers,//and kills all the water//dwelling creatures” the second two lines feel a little too literal to accompany the first, especially as the idea is man killing all life, not just in the water. Maybe change those two lines to something similar but more figurative? “And continues to burn the rivers” feels a little too repetitive. Is there a way to rephrase it while still getting the same idea? And the following stanza is also just a repetition of the earlier idea of animals fleeing, so I’m not sure how necessary it is. In “the earth quakes under//his unburdened feet” who is “he?” The stanza “through the night,//Mother tosses and turns,//sleepless in nightmares” is good, but it’s a bit misplaced in the action. Maybe put it earlier in the poem if you keep it? In general, this is good, and we’ve edited it a lot so I don’t have a ton to add other than vague suggestions of things you /could/ do. It’s shaped up very nicely.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s