fly Bird.

dark black feathers

swooshing across the ground

like midnight ink

dreams flying through the town

low across the building rooftops

rising under the sun

shadows cast upon the

bumpy cobblestone roads

people stare at your beauty and

ease of flight

oh take me with you

to that place you go

each night in your dreams

for i

like you

am stuck within these walls

too weak to jump

too small to fly high enough

i dream the dreams you dream

you and i are the same

we are trapped

so alone

but together

we can fly high enough

to get out of this place

because there is a better life

for me

and you

together we can fly away

high above the walls

that cage us in

because there is a better life

out there

for you

and for me 

let us lift our wings and fly Bird.

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3 thoughts on “fly Bird.

  1. A. ground- town – you rhyme but don’t continue it- not sure if just accident or?
    B. swooshing – just a little awkward of a word choice
    C. no punctuation? I think a few spots would benefit from a coma but you know how you want your poem 🙂
    D. are they real walls? or metaphorical?
    E. “i dream the dreams you dream” LOVE THIS
    F. the last line seems like it doesn’t finish the poem, I don’t know, I think something could better fit there. we can play around with it

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  2. 1. Why are you and a bird alike. To me, a bird seems very free, but you say that you are trapped. It makes sense when I think hard about it, but you may want to make that a little more clear.
    2. yes, “building rooftops” is awkward
    3. I like how you keep your lines abbreviated. With that said, I think in “and for me”, you should remove “for”. It shortens up the line and gives it better flow.
    4. Not much to critique about this one. Good job!

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  3. This is an edited version of last week, right? You made some solid changes that I like. I still think “ground” and “town” are too close together, giving it too much of a rhyme feel, but that’s not massively important to change. “Like midnight ink” is good, although I might suggest adding a verb in there (I know it is “swooshing” with the bird, but I think the simile could use a verb. Might just be me). “Building rooftops” is a bit of an awkward phrase; could you reword it? I’m still a bit confused, because you still have the “stuck like me” thing, and I thought it was established that the other is flying free? If not, make it more clear that they are only free in spirit or dream or whatever. I like the punctuation and capitalization:; it gives it that dreamlike feel, and it’s a good poetic choice.

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